It's Getting Better :)

Things have actually been going pretty well. Shocking, I know. I don't feel as alone as I used to. I've become much better at finding things that I'm happy about.

Things that make me happy:

• Playing ukulele
• The Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack
• The Book Theif
• Assistant Stage Managing a community theatre show with an amazing cast
• Being brave enough to talk to said cast
• Red and black feather boas
• Admitting what I've been denying for over a year
• Soft serve ice cream 
• Chocolate sprinkles on top of aforementioned ice cream
• Remembering that my childhood best friend still loves me
• Shitty fanfiction
• Putting myself before schoolwork
• Singing as loud as I can when no one is home
• Not pressuring myself to maintain a struggling friendship
• Napping whenever I want
• Not worrying about what other people want me to read
• Parks and Recreation
• Relaxing every once in a while

Everything I do feels wrong. I hurt everyone I come in contact with. I've pushed away my friends, my family, everyone who could help. I didn't try to ruin all of my relationships. My mom doesn't believe me. My dad isn't a touchy-feely person. My best friend is sick of me talking about how down I feel. Another close friend just said she couldn't always help me due to "difficult obstacles". As if I didn't know that when I texted her in a panic, pleading for help or comfort or anything to get this horrible pressure off of my chest. Does she know she's my second to last resort, falling only before a Crisis Text Line? I know she's busy. I understand that she, unlike me, actually has a life and places to be. The rational side of me is a little frustrated, but the irrational side wants to get angry and scream about how she swore to be there for me as I have been for her, and she neglected her promise.

But that's ok.

Becuase I understand that I cannot be the main focus of everyone's life.

I can barely be the focus of my own life.